thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
