the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
