Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
