oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
