Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
