trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
