I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
