My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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