My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
