she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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