bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
