She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
