Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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