He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
