after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
