now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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