I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
