laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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