My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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