if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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