Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
