what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Ketchup is God's man juice
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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