its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
