There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
