everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
