We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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