i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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