You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
