I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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