plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
