I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
