Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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