she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
