I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
