I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
