New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
