after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just took my morning after pill in the library
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new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
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There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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