the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
