You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
