I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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