Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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