Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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