I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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