Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
