EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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