you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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