I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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