Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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