please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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