were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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