You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
