I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
