I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
