maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
