Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
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There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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