Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
