she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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