So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
