I want to have your abortion
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
