He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Be still, my beating vagina.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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