Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
