david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
