My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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