I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
